1974 & Today

Excuse me while I date myself here a little bit. Keep in mind that I was just a young lad when the song that I’m about to talk about came out. The year was 1974. The Vietnam War had just ended and America was feeling good about itself again. Even though this was the period of the beginning of the “Energy Crisis” and Watergate was blowing up in President Nixon’s face we still seemed to be a happy nation.

Also in 1974 a Canadian singer/songwriter by the name of Gordon Lightfoot was taking America by storm. One of Gordon Lightfoot’s smash hits in 1974 was “Sundown.” Sundown was a song about a lady of the night that worked in a house of ill repute. Even though the song was about a lady the song had a recurring line in it that went:

Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain.
The last line then goes:
Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again.

Pastor Rob had a talk with me today. Pastor Rob basically confronted me with the same things my wife has been saying to me for the last three weeks or so. Pastor Rob knows that I’ve been having a huge problem lately with blowing appointments, oversleeping badly, breaking my word on doing what I said I would do, and just in general not living a somewhat normal life. Henceforth the Gordon Lightfoot song coming back to me.

I really do kind of feel like over the last three weeks or so I’ve been living the words of the song. I haven’t been feeling pain or anything else. I think I really fooled myself into thinking I was feeling better just because I wasn’t feeling any pain. Heck there were even times when I thought I was doing pretty good and maybe even making progress or as the song says “feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again.”

I’ve learned that this is not uncommon for people with Bipolar disorder. I know that this is not uncommon for me. In writing my memoirs I found that I did this in 1998, 1996, & 1983. I guess the good thing is that at least I recognized it this time. Or should I say my loving wife and Pastor Rob recognized it and finally awakened me to what I’m doing.

I know that this is not the course that the Lord has laid for me. I’m reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” I’ve been assigned a new therapist. I’m told she’s pretty good. Monday I plan on contacting her and making an appointment to see her. Maybe she can help me come up with coping strategies so I can get out of this slump.

I’ve been in this slump before. Looking back I know it was direct intervention of God that got me out of my slump. In 1996 I lost my business and most everything I had. When it was all said and done I landed back in Wichita in a wonderful, caring church with a Pastor that encouraged me and lifted me up. In 1998 God put a wonderful Christian Brother, Craig Westhoff, in my life who kept speaking anointing and encouragement into me.

I suppose if all else fails it could be interesting to see what God does this time. BTW… I don’t blame God. God didn’t give me Bipolar disorder. God isn’t that kind of God. I know God loves me and cares for me. In God’s eyes this world is a sinful, decrepit place and it’s because of Man’s sin that we have these diseases and disorders that we do today.

I just simply trust in God that He will bring me healing in whichever way He chooses. If God chooses to bring me healing through a miracle again, that’s fine by me. If God chooses to work through doctors, therapists, and medicine, that’s fine by me too. God’s brought me a long ways. I know that God isn’t going to bring me this far and abandon me now. I have God’s word that He’s there for me always and that’s good enough for me.

For now, I’m just taking this struggle one day at a time, waiting on God, and doing my best, even it’s weak, to move on.

Be Blessed!

BIG SCOTT