I love it when one of my blog readers posses a good, though provoking, theological question to me. KB sent me the following question this evening. I thought it was a great question and I thought that I would share both the question and my response with everyone else.
I was wondering is if it is possible to see the devil take over a person temporarily, like in a moment of complete and utter greed? I guess I am asking this because I learned at bible study and in church about money being one of God's tools to test us and see if we pass it on how we manage our money. Plus the expression Money is the root of all evil. What made me ask is that, I handed my landlord her rent money in cash this time because she asked if I could pay in cash, (and yes I get receipts) but the question I have is like when she saw the stack of bills she got this evil grin on her face, and made the gestures like give me, give me, give me! At that moment her facial expressions changed and she didn't see anything else around her, and I felt sad for her, like money was the biggest thing to matter to her in her life. It looked like evil and greed to me.
The Apostle Paul said in 1 Timothy 6:10 (New Living Translation) "For the love of money is at the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows." That verse pretty much sums up what you just told me. Some people are so taken back by money that they will almost drool when they see money. Unfortunately for those people money is their god.
We're told over and over again in Proverbs that if we seek Godly wisdom and seek to live in a Godly way then He will prosper you. If one doesn't have that wisdom and doesn't seek after that wisdom then they will, if they want money, make money their God. Another thing about these people that see money as their God they also see money as power. The way they see it is the more money that they have the more power they have and if they have your money then they believe falsely that they have power over you. If you're a child of God then this doesn't apply to you because Jesus has set you free. All you have to do is follow Godly & Biblical teachings and no person on this Earth will have power over you.
I've seen more people then I care to remember like your landlord. Unfortunately for them money is not only their god but for them money is also their drug. When you gave your landlord your money you gave her the fix she was craving. If you've ever seen an alcoholic or a junky how they get when they are searching for that shot of whiskey or drug fix so she was waiting impatiently for you to bring her the fix she was craving. Unfortunately you had two choices, either give her your money so she could have her fix or loose your place to live. Don’t let her fool you, she may think she has power over you but she doesn’t.
If anyone else ever has any questions, whether big like this one or just something small send them to me. If you don’t want me to share it on my blog just let me know and I won’t. I’ll also never expose the sender of the question either.
Just keep the questions coming!!!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Here We Go Again (The Short Version)
I’m sorry that I’ve not been able to get my blogs published for a little while now. We had some problems with our internet here at the house and we just got it back yesterday. I couldn’t believe how much we missed our internet. Not having internet for a couple of weeks sure was a pain as we either had to use Kinko’s or run to college (16 miles each way) and jump on there.
Anyway, I suspect that this will be a pretty short blog. Not much has changed in my life since the last time that I blogged. I’m still wrestling with my meds trying to get them balanced out. I know my meds are good for me and help keep me stable but we’ve got to find a balancing point some where.
School is kind of going both good and not so good. I’m still dealing with a pretty rough go of it in my Public Speaking (Speech) class. The instructor that I’ve got for that class seems to have a hard time conveying what it is that she is trying to teach us. Other then Speech I’m hanging in there on my E-Commerce class & doing great in my Computer Software class & my English Comp 1 class.
I’m going to cut this short & I’ll see if I can’t get back in the swing of things and get some good, meaningful blogs up in the next few days!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Anyway, I suspect that this will be a pretty short blog. Not much has changed in my life since the last time that I blogged. I’m still wrestling with my meds trying to get them balanced out. I know my meds are good for me and help keep me stable but we’ve got to find a balancing point some where.
School is kind of going both good and not so good. I’m still dealing with a pretty rough go of it in my Public Speaking (Speech) class. The instructor that I’ve got for that class seems to have a hard time conveying what it is that she is trying to teach us. Other then Speech I’m hanging in there on my E-Commerce class & doing great in my Computer Software class & my English Comp 1 class.
I’m going to cut this short & I’ll see if I can’t get back in the swing of things and get some good, meaningful blogs up in the next few days!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
God Still Speaks
This is quite a long blog. I wrote this blog last Sunday & I had to wait for my internet service to be fixed so I could post it. Hope you enjoy it!
I feel like God has just shared something with me. I was sitting here playing games on the computer and listening to a program on Cornerstone Television. On the program was a group of guys talking about what the Lord had delivered them from and how God was now able to work through them. One of the guys was talking about how the Lord had delivered him from all kinds of sexual sins.
While I was listening to this guy talk about his previous sexual sins and how perverted he had been I felt the Lord start to speak to my heart. I felt the Lord saying to me “This is what it’s all about. It’s about setting those that are captive free. That is why I am setting you free and delivering you.”
I knew what the lord meant when he spoke those words. I know that I’m not to be ashamed of my Bipolar disorder. I know that the Lord wants to be glorified in my Bipolar disorder. I know that the Lord wants the world to see how He is restoring me. I know the Lord is using me as an example.
Look at all the garbage in my life that I’ve had to deal with. We now know that I’ve had ADHD since I was a kid and I’ve had Bipolar disorder since I was in my late teens. I’ve also had to deal with both of these disorders on my own without them being diagnosed for twenty five plus years. Due to me having these disorders I was always just a little bit different and this has opened me up to some terrible ridicule and abuse.
When I was in my adolescence I was terribly and ritually abused. I still have flashbacks to it to this very day. But what is amazing here is that now I’ve had the opportunity to minister to some of the people that abused me. Turning the tables like that is just one way how I know not only God is working through me but wants to continue to work through me in the future.
I’ve got a ton of garbage in my past. The key word here is “past.” The past is in the past and what has happened can’t be undone. But I don’t have to let my past affect my future anymore. I know the future that the Lord has for me is far different then the past that the devil had for me.
I wrote the other day that I’ve been a Christian now for close to eighteen years. I also wrote that in that time I’ve never learned how to give my pain to Jesus. Today Jesus showed me that I have learned how to give Him some of my pain. I didn’t realize what I’ve done until the Lord gave me a big example today.
Today the Lord spoke into my heart and asked me how I felt close to a year ago when I first went in for treatment for my mental disorders for the first time. Looking back I remembered that I was consumed with pain at that point. In fact I was so consumed with pain that my wife expected to come home and find me dead from suicide.
After remembering that pain I heard the Lord asking me “Where did that pain go?” All I could say was “I don’t know Lord, where did that pain go? I know it’s gone but where did it go?” The Lord spoke to me and said “I took that pain. You actually let go of a little bit of pain and I took that pain from you.”
I know there are a couple of things that the Lord has done to take away my pain. The biggest way that I was able to give up a bunch of my pain to simply spend time with the Lord. The more time I spent in God’s word the more I understood about what happened and why those that had wronged me did what they did. In spending time with God in His word I actually had some of my anger and hurt turn into compassion for those that had hurt me.
The other big way that the Lord was able to take away my pain was to do just what I’m doing here and that is to sit down and write. The more I write about my problems, my struggles, my pains and my hurts the more the Lord is able to get the garbage and out in the open and deal with my garbage. If that garbage is not hid, festering, stinking, and growing then that garbage isn’t able to stink me up on the inside anymore.
It’s amazing how the Lord can and will work in your life if He’s given half a chance. When I look at the here and now, just the shallow stuff that’s happening today I don’t always see Jesus at work in my life. However if I look at a broader picture, if I look back over the past year or more I can see huge accomplishments and strides that I’ve taken in the healing walk that the Lord has set before me.
I’ve got a vision for my life in the future. I know that the Lord doesn’t want me to be silent. I know that the Lord wants me to get out and tell my story. I know that the Lord wants me to talk to gatherings of people. I know that the Lord wants to use what He has done and what He is doing in my life as an inspiration for others so that they may too start their travel down the redemptive road that the Lord has for them.
I’ve come a long ways and I’ve still got a long ways to go. I can’t stop now, I just can’t. Stopping is what I’ve done for the past three months or so. I tried to just be in kind of a neutral zone so to say. The only problem with that is that there is no neutral zone. You’re either moving forward or you’re sliding backwards. For the past three months I’ve been sliding backwards.
It’s time to move forward again. As bad as it may hurt at times I’ve got to take up my cross and follow Jesus. When you get hurt and you have to go to the doctor it can hurt what the doctor has to do to make you better but the pain is only for a short time. If you don’t go see the doctor when you get hurt you may not heal properly and you may have pain for the rest of your life.
Jesus is the Great Physician. Jesus brings healing and will heal you if you let him. That’s exactly what I’ve got to remember. I’ve got to spend time with the Great Physician and let Him heal me. Only Jesus can heal me. I’ve just got to stay the course. No going back, only going on with Jesus.
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
I feel like God has just shared something with me. I was sitting here playing games on the computer and listening to a program on Cornerstone Television. On the program was a group of guys talking about what the Lord had delivered them from and how God was now able to work through them. One of the guys was talking about how the Lord had delivered him from all kinds of sexual sins.
While I was listening to this guy talk about his previous sexual sins and how perverted he had been I felt the Lord start to speak to my heart. I felt the Lord saying to me “This is what it’s all about. It’s about setting those that are captive free. That is why I am setting you free and delivering you.”
I knew what the lord meant when he spoke those words. I know that I’m not to be ashamed of my Bipolar disorder. I know that the Lord wants to be glorified in my Bipolar disorder. I know that the Lord wants the world to see how He is restoring me. I know the Lord is using me as an example.
Look at all the garbage in my life that I’ve had to deal with. We now know that I’ve had ADHD since I was a kid and I’ve had Bipolar disorder since I was in my late teens. I’ve also had to deal with both of these disorders on my own without them being diagnosed for twenty five plus years. Due to me having these disorders I was always just a little bit different and this has opened me up to some terrible ridicule and abuse.
When I was in my adolescence I was terribly and ritually abused. I still have flashbacks to it to this very day. But what is amazing here is that now I’ve had the opportunity to minister to some of the people that abused me. Turning the tables like that is just one way how I know not only God is working through me but wants to continue to work through me in the future.
I’ve got a ton of garbage in my past. The key word here is “past.” The past is in the past and what has happened can’t be undone. But I don’t have to let my past affect my future anymore. I know the future that the Lord has for me is far different then the past that the devil had for me.
I wrote the other day that I’ve been a Christian now for close to eighteen years. I also wrote that in that time I’ve never learned how to give my pain to Jesus. Today Jesus showed me that I have learned how to give Him some of my pain. I didn’t realize what I’ve done until the Lord gave me a big example today.
Today the Lord spoke into my heart and asked me how I felt close to a year ago when I first went in for treatment for my mental disorders for the first time. Looking back I remembered that I was consumed with pain at that point. In fact I was so consumed with pain that my wife expected to come home and find me dead from suicide.
After remembering that pain I heard the Lord asking me “Where did that pain go?” All I could say was “I don’t know Lord, where did that pain go? I know it’s gone but where did it go?” The Lord spoke to me and said “I took that pain. You actually let go of a little bit of pain and I took that pain from you.”
I know there are a couple of things that the Lord has done to take away my pain. The biggest way that I was able to give up a bunch of my pain to simply spend time with the Lord. The more time I spent in God’s word the more I understood about what happened and why those that had wronged me did what they did. In spending time with God in His word I actually had some of my anger and hurt turn into compassion for those that had hurt me.
The other big way that the Lord was able to take away my pain was to do just what I’m doing here and that is to sit down and write. The more I write about my problems, my struggles, my pains and my hurts the more the Lord is able to get the garbage and out in the open and deal with my garbage. If that garbage is not hid, festering, stinking, and growing then that garbage isn’t able to stink me up on the inside anymore.
It’s amazing how the Lord can and will work in your life if He’s given half a chance. When I look at the here and now, just the shallow stuff that’s happening today I don’t always see Jesus at work in my life. However if I look at a broader picture, if I look back over the past year or more I can see huge accomplishments and strides that I’ve taken in the healing walk that the Lord has set before me.
I’ve got a vision for my life in the future. I know that the Lord doesn’t want me to be silent. I know that the Lord wants me to get out and tell my story. I know that the Lord wants me to talk to gatherings of people. I know that the Lord wants to use what He has done and what He is doing in my life as an inspiration for others so that they may too start their travel down the redemptive road that the Lord has for them.
I’ve come a long ways and I’ve still got a long ways to go. I can’t stop now, I just can’t. Stopping is what I’ve done for the past three months or so. I tried to just be in kind of a neutral zone so to say. The only problem with that is that there is no neutral zone. You’re either moving forward or you’re sliding backwards. For the past three months I’ve been sliding backwards.
It’s time to move forward again. As bad as it may hurt at times I’ve got to take up my cross and follow Jesus. When you get hurt and you have to go to the doctor it can hurt what the doctor has to do to make you better but the pain is only for a short time. If you don’t go see the doctor when you get hurt you may not heal properly and you may have pain for the rest of your life.
Jesus is the Great Physician. Jesus brings healing and will heal you if you let him. That’s exactly what I’ve got to remember. I’ve got to spend time with the Great Physician and let Him heal me. Only Jesus can heal me. I’ve just got to stay the course. No going back, only going on with Jesus.
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Monday, February 20, 2006
Take Me Out...
Sorry that I haven’t put a new blog up for a few days now. Our network at the house is down and Ma’ Bell won’t have us back up until this coming Thursday they told me. Not being able to get online at the house is sure beginning to take its toll on not only me but everyone in my family as well! I can check my emails off of my phone but unless it’s an emergency I just wait till I get back to college to reply because it is a pain using my phone for emails. I sent a normal, two paragraph email out the other day over my phone and it took me 15 minutes to write & send. Yuk!
Wow! Only a little over two weeks until the first pitch! OK now, ya’all sing along with me..
“Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the game! Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, I don’t care if I ever get back! For it’s root! Root! Root! For the home team…”
Can you tell I’m getting stoked just thinking about baseball? I’ve often heard the question “Do you think there will be baseball in Heaven?” As an umpire I have to believe that there will be if we can get the coaches in! On the other hand I’m pretty sure the coaches are saying the same thing about us umps even though us umps know we’re always right!
I just got to thinking about something. Our pastor, Pastor Rob, coaches a bunch of baseball in the summer. Pastor Rob is the only pastor I know that’s a baseball coach. The rest of the coaches I know need to be seeing Pastor Rob for some spiritual counseling. If you could here some of the things that I hear on the field you’d understand why I say that! With this being a “G-Rated Family Friendly” blog I’d better not repeat what’s been said!
As an ump I gotta love it when the ump has the chance to strike back! I can’t do that on the field you know! All we can do on the field is stand there and wait for the coach to slip up and use an “F-word” or something like that so we can eject them. The good coaches don’t use those words. They know how to blow off steam without getting the boot.
I had one coach last year come out of the dugout on fire and mad as heck at me. We stood at third base and had a nice yelling match and when we got done he went back to the dugout and we played ball. When the game was over he came up and shook my hand and said “good game.” Only in baseball!
Oh well, I feel better now. I got to talk about baseball! Hope you got a chuckle too!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Wow! Only a little over two weeks until the first pitch! OK now, ya’all sing along with me..
“Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the game! Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, I don’t care if I ever get back! For it’s root! Root! Root! For the home team…”
Can you tell I’m getting stoked just thinking about baseball? I’ve often heard the question “Do you think there will be baseball in Heaven?” As an umpire I have to believe that there will be if we can get the coaches in! On the other hand I’m pretty sure the coaches are saying the same thing about us umps even though us umps know we’re always right!
I just got to thinking about something. Our pastor, Pastor Rob, coaches a bunch of baseball in the summer. Pastor Rob is the only pastor I know that’s a baseball coach. The rest of the coaches I know need to be seeing Pastor Rob for some spiritual counseling. If you could here some of the things that I hear on the field you’d understand why I say that! With this being a “G-Rated Family Friendly” blog I’d better not repeat what’s been said!
As an ump I gotta love it when the ump has the chance to strike back! I can’t do that on the field you know! All we can do on the field is stand there and wait for the coach to slip up and use an “F-word” or something like that so we can eject them. The good coaches don’t use those words. They know how to blow off steam without getting the boot.
I had one coach last year come out of the dugout on fire and mad as heck at me. We stood at third base and had a nice yelling match and when we got done he went back to the dugout and we played ball. When the game was over he came up and shook my hand and said “good game.” Only in baseball!
Oh well, I feel better now. I got to talk about baseball! Hope you got a chuckle too!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Saturday, February 11, 2006
I Will Survive!
It's time to vent in a different way. Sometimes I really hate what I do! If I don’t keep my mind and my actions in check when I get wound up on a manic high I can really do stupid things. When I do these things I get so incredible mad at myself for doing them. Sometimes I blame my actions on my Bipolar, sometimes I just blame myself in general for doing stupid things. Either way, I can really get angry at myself!
That very thing happened this evening. I don’t know why but I’ve been getting pretty wound up late in the evening. When I get wound up like I do I let my mind race and I’ll say or do stupid things. That happened again this evening.
I’ve been sitting here tonight really coming down on myself pretty hard. I know that’s not right and I know that’s not of God. But I continue to do it anyway. I felt God speaking to me a minute ago and telling me to read Romans 7:15-25 again. The Apostle Paul rights this about his struggles in his life. Here what Paul has to say.
15 I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16 I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.
18 I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19 When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20 But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.
21 It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God's law with all my heart. 23 But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
In a little way I feel a little bit better knowing I’m not the only one going through this struggle. If the Apostle Paul who wrote most of the New Testament had these kinds of struggles then I would suppose that I will too. I just hate when it happens. I don’t know how else to put it.
I know I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me. Why else would I feel this way? If I didn’t have the Holy Spirit in me then it wouldn’t matter would it? The Holy Spirit tells me in my heart that I’ve sinned. That much is good. I also know when I do wrong I open the door for the enemy to come in and be my accuser, pointing blame at me and making me feel worse then I already am. Henceforth a downward spiral starts.
But what do I do then? If I stop and repent and tell Jesus that I’m sorry and ask for forgiveness then I stop the downward spiral. If I don’t, well, then I just keep spinning down out of control. When I’m in that spin is when I really have even worse thoughts come into my head. After that, more downward spirals and even more bad thoughts. After that, more downward spirals and even more bad thoughts. You get the picture.
This is a perfect example of how the enemy drags people down. If you stay in this downward spiral you’re going to crash and crash hard. What happens when you crash that hard? Some take drugs or alcohol to mask the symptoms but that just speeds up the spiral and makes for an even harder crash. Some contemplate or even attempt suicide. That’s how bad it can get!
Fortunately for me I’ve got the Holy Spirit and as much as it hurts all I can do is put my hand out while I’m spinning down and cry out to Jesus. Help me Jesus! I’m out of control Jesus! That’s exactly what I had to do tonight. The other thing that I do is not keep my crashings to myself.
First of all I’ve got my blog here. I’ve also got a therapist and a pastor that I share with that helps me be an over comer. I’ve even got a great wife who encourages me to push on. If you don’t keep it to yourself then the enemy can’t sneak back in unseen. There are others out there helping you overcome and helping you beware of the schemes of the enemy.
There, I’m glad I’ve got that out! Now I can start to settle down a little bit. I’m so glad I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me and I’ve got Jesus as my Savior! The Holy Spirit and Jesus have saved me from myself so many times it’s not even funny. It is only because of Jesus that I’ve got a future.
Earlier I kind of gave my age away when I quoted Donna Summer from 1979. I told someone “I will survive!”
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
That very thing happened this evening. I don’t know why but I’ve been getting pretty wound up late in the evening. When I get wound up like I do I let my mind race and I’ll say or do stupid things. That happened again this evening.
I’ve been sitting here tonight really coming down on myself pretty hard. I know that’s not right and I know that’s not of God. But I continue to do it anyway. I felt God speaking to me a minute ago and telling me to read Romans 7:15-25 again. The Apostle Paul rights this about his struggles in his life. Here what Paul has to say.
15 I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16 I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.
18 I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19 When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20 But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.
21 It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God's law with all my heart. 23 But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
In a little way I feel a little bit better knowing I’m not the only one going through this struggle. If the Apostle Paul who wrote most of the New Testament had these kinds of struggles then I would suppose that I will too. I just hate when it happens. I don’t know how else to put it.
I know I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me. Why else would I feel this way? If I didn’t have the Holy Spirit in me then it wouldn’t matter would it? The Holy Spirit tells me in my heart that I’ve sinned. That much is good. I also know when I do wrong I open the door for the enemy to come in and be my accuser, pointing blame at me and making me feel worse then I already am. Henceforth a downward spiral starts.
But what do I do then? If I stop and repent and tell Jesus that I’m sorry and ask for forgiveness then I stop the downward spiral. If I don’t, well, then I just keep spinning down out of control. When I’m in that spin is when I really have even worse thoughts come into my head. After that, more downward spirals and even more bad thoughts. After that, more downward spirals and even more bad thoughts. You get the picture.
This is a perfect example of how the enemy drags people down. If you stay in this downward spiral you’re going to crash and crash hard. What happens when you crash that hard? Some take drugs or alcohol to mask the symptoms but that just speeds up the spiral and makes for an even harder crash. Some contemplate or even attempt suicide. That’s how bad it can get!
Fortunately for me I’ve got the Holy Spirit and as much as it hurts all I can do is put my hand out while I’m spinning down and cry out to Jesus. Help me Jesus! I’m out of control Jesus! That’s exactly what I had to do tonight. The other thing that I do is not keep my crashings to myself.
First of all I’ve got my blog here. I’ve also got a therapist and a pastor that I share with that helps me be an over comer. I’ve even got a great wife who encourages me to push on. If you don’t keep it to yourself then the enemy can’t sneak back in unseen. There are others out there helping you overcome and helping you beware of the schemes of the enemy.
There, I’m glad I’ve got that out! Now I can start to settle down a little bit. I’m so glad I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me and I’ve got Jesus as my Savior! The Holy Spirit and Jesus have saved me from myself so many times it’s not even funny. It is only because of Jesus that I’ve got a future.
Earlier I kind of gave my age away when I quoted Donna Summer from 1979. I told someone “I will survive!”
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
I've Got A Theory...
Before I started meds I would go ga ga nuts manicy, blow all of my energy, & then I could go to bed and get a good nights sleep.
Now that I'm on meds I don't go ga ga nuts manicy any more. What I do is just get a mild hyper manic high that just goes and goes and goes and goes and... You get the picture.
Anyway, I've surmised a hypothesis (a guess) that I've got a set amount of energy to burn before I can get a good nights sleep. It used to be that it was like I pulled the plug and whoosh! In a couple of hours or so I burned myself out. Now it's like I'm trying to unload that same amount of energy out of a little bitty hole that these meds have created and it just takes forever to burn this energy off.
It's 6:00 in the morning and I'm still mildly bouncing off of the walls. I should have been in bed 6 or 7 hours ago but that wasn't happening! I NORMALLY take 200 mg of Seroquel @ bedtime that is SUPPOSE to help me sleep. Most people would be knocked out pretty good with 200 mg. I've been taking 400 mg hoping that would help. It didn't. Last night I took 600 mg of Seroquel, which should knock anyone out, Bipolar or not, in fifteen minutes and they should sleep for ten plus hours. I then went and took a nice relaxing, hot shower. After my 20 minute shower I decided to lay down in my bed with a nice novel and I read almost 100 pages in 1 1/2 hours. At that point, which was about two hours after taking my meds I just turned the lights out and said "OK God, would you PLEASE do something to knock me out?" About 30 minutes later or about two and a half hours after I took the Seroquel I FINALLY fell asleep.
There’s got to be an answer somewhere! This is driving both my wife and myself nuts! Or in my case nuttier! Hehehe!!!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Now that I'm on meds I don't go ga ga nuts manicy any more. What I do is just get a mild hyper manic high that just goes and goes and goes and goes and... You get the picture.
Anyway, I've surmised a hypothesis (a guess) that I've got a set amount of energy to burn before I can get a good nights sleep. It used to be that it was like I pulled the plug and whoosh! In a couple of hours or so I burned myself out. Now it's like I'm trying to unload that same amount of energy out of a little bitty hole that these meds have created and it just takes forever to burn this energy off.
It's 6:00 in the morning and I'm still mildly bouncing off of the walls. I should have been in bed 6 or 7 hours ago but that wasn't happening! I NORMALLY take 200 mg of Seroquel @ bedtime that is SUPPOSE to help me sleep. Most people would be knocked out pretty good with 200 mg. I've been taking 400 mg hoping that would help. It didn't. Last night I took 600 mg of Seroquel, which should knock anyone out, Bipolar or not, in fifteen minutes and they should sleep for ten plus hours. I then went and took a nice relaxing, hot shower. After my 20 minute shower I decided to lay down in my bed with a nice novel and I read almost 100 pages in 1 1/2 hours. At that point, which was about two hours after taking my meds I just turned the lights out and said "OK God, would you PLEASE do something to knock me out?" About 30 minutes later or about two and a half hours after I took the Seroquel I FINALLY fell asleep.
There’s got to be an answer somewhere! This is driving both my wife and myself nuts! Or in my case nuttier! Hehehe!!!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Maybe My Wife Is Right!
I got a good chuckle out of something that happened in my English Comp class this evening. Due to us being down to just one car for a few days I was about thirty minutes late to class this evening. I sitting there feverously was trying to catch up. We were having a class discussion about a story we had just read. I was doing my best to contribute and get my head into class and all of a sudden I hear “Scott, help me out here.”
I look up with my famous dear caught in the headlight look. My first thought was why me? My brain is still back on K-15 highway somewhere trying to get here! Fortunately I was paying attention enough that I was able to answer, correctly at that! I was impressed!
I got to thinking about my English Comp class tonight after I got out of school. I keep chuckling that the class I feared the worst, the one class that I thought just three months ago could possibly be the one class that would keep me from my diploma I’m actually excelling in quite well. To give you an idea of how bad I feared this class before the semester started I would stop and think about this class and I would have mild anxiety attacks!
The last month or so my Bipolar disorder has been giving me fits. The other day I wrote a lengthy entry in my blog about how I sometimes hate my Bipolar disorder. If you read it you would agree that there was a dearth of positive things said in it. However though, all is not bad over the past month. College really has been pretty good.
I sometimes wonder if both God and my wife are trying to teach me a lesson in all of this. My wife keeps reminding me to quit focusing Bipolar disorder and focus on something else. I have to wonder if just maybe God isn’t possibly speaking through my wife. When I focus on my college and what has gone right with college I seem to do a whole bunch better.
With the help of my loving wife I’m going to try to focus on what has been going right in my life. I know the only way to stop this tailspin that my Bipolar disorder has me in is to focus on the good. Even through all of this God has made sure that some things are going right in my life. I guess my cloud really does have a silver lining.
A verse comes to mind that specifically addresses this. The Apostle Paul in concluding his letter to the church in Philippi write this in Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Sounds like my wife might just know what she is talking about!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
I look up with my famous dear caught in the headlight look. My first thought was why me? My brain is still back on K-15 highway somewhere trying to get here! Fortunately I was paying attention enough that I was able to answer, correctly at that! I was impressed!
I got to thinking about my English Comp class tonight after I got out of school. I keep chuckling that the class I feared the worst, the one class that I thought just three months ago could possibly be the one class that would keep me from my diploma I’m actually excelling in quite well. To give you an idea of how bad I feared this class before the semester started I would stop and think about this class and I would have mild anxiety attacks!
The last month or so my Bipolar disorder has been giving me fits. The other day I wrote a lengthy entry in my blog about how I sometimes hate my Bipolar disorder. If you read it you would agree that there was a dearth of positive things said in it. However though, all is not bad over the past month. College really has been pretty good.
I sometimes wonder if both God and my wife are trying to teach me a lesson in all of this. My wife keeps reminding me to quit focusing Bipolar disorder and focus on something else. I have to wonder if just maybe God isn’t possibly speaking through my wife. When I focus on my college and what has gone right with college I seem to do a whole bunch better.
With the help of my loving wife I’m going to try to focus on what has been going right in my life. I know the only way to stop this tailspin that my Bipolar disorder has me in is to focus on the good. Even through all of this God has made sure that some things are going right in my life. I guess my cloud really does have a silver lining.
A verse comes to mind that specifically addresses this. The Apostle Paul in concluding his letter to the church in Philippi write this in Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Sounds like my wife might just know what she is talking about!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Monday, February 06, 2006
I Told You So!!!
Let’s cut right to the chase here…
Sorry but I’ve got to throw in a “Told you so!” here. In my January 27th blog I stated “Pittsburg over Seattle by 10!” I missed by 1 point! Tonight’s Superbowl was Pittsburg over Seattle by 11! We went to our church for our annual Superbowl party tonight. We had a much better time tonight than we did last year. For once we had people hollering and getting rowdy, the way a Superbowl party is suppose to be!
I don’t drink Budwieser. I personally think that Budwieser is the nastiest beer in the world. But I will say this for Budwieser, Budwieser had the field covered tonight in the competition for the best commercials. The Budwieser commercial that featured the “Streaker Sheep” had the whole place roaring and laughing out loud!
My personal favorite though was when the Clydesdale pony hooked himself up to the Budweiser wagon. The pony strained for all he was worth to pull the wagon just like the big Clydesdales do. The next thing you see is this pony pulling the wagon out of the barn. The kicker though was that there were two other Clydesdales pushing the wagon from behind helping the pony out and the pony didn’t know it. The pony thought that he did it all on his own and he was proud! The trainer is kneeling there watching all of this and he says to the dog with him “I won’t tell a soul if you won’t.” A great, positive message even if it was from a beer company.
My play of the game? It had to be in the Fourth Quarter when Pittsburg pulled out a huge trick play for a touchdown. Wideout Antwaan Randle El on a reverse play took a handoff, sprinted right and threw perfectly to Ward for a 43-yard TD with 9:04 remaining. It was the first Super Bowl touchdown pass by a receiver. Seattle never gave up after that but that one play put Seattle in a huge hole that Seattle could never recover out of.
I almost forgot about the Halftime Show. I thought that it was hilarious watching a bunch of 60+ year old guys out there strutting and jumping around like they did 30 years ago! Poor Mick, his voice forgot to show up tonight. Good thing the Stones still got Keith Richards! Keith held the whole show together with some awesome guitar licks! I guess when you’ve been playing guitar for 50 years you tend to get pretty good at it after a while.
I hope you enjoyed the Superbowl as much as I did.
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Sorry but I’ve got to throw in a “Told you so!” here. In my January 27th blog I stated “Pittsburg over Seattle by 10!” I missed by 1 point! Tonight’s Superbowl was Pittsburg over Seattle by 11! We went to our church for our annual Superbowl party tonight. We had a much better time tonight than we did last year. For once we had people hollering and getting rowdy, the way a Superbowl party is suppose to be!
I don’t drink Budwieser. I personally think that Budwieser is the nastiest beer in the world. But I will say this for Budwieser, Budwieser had the field covered tonight in the competition for the best commercials. The Budwieser commercial that featured the “Streaker Sheep” had the whole place roaring and laughing out loud!
My personal favorite though was when the Clydesdale pony hooked himself up to the Budweiser wagon. The pony strained for all he was worth to pull the wagon just like the big Clydesdales do. The next thing you see is this pony pulling the wagon out of the barn. The kicker though was that there were two other Clydesdales pushing the wagon from behind helping the pony out and the pony didn’t know it. The pony thought that he did it all on his own and he was proud! The trainer is kneeling there watching all of this and he says to the dog with him “I won’t tell a soul if you won’t.” A great, positive message even if it was from a beer company.
My play of the game? It had to be in the Fourth Quarter when Pittsburg pulled out a huge trick play for a touchdown. Wideout Antwaan Randle El on a reverse play took a handoff, sprinted right and threw perfectly to Ward for a 43-yard TD with 9:04 remaining. It was the first Super Bowl touchdown pass by a receiver. Seattle never gave up after that but that one play put Seattle in a huge hole that Seattle could never recover out of.
I almost forgot about the Halftime Show. I thought that it was hilarious watching a bunch of 60+ year old guys out there strutting and jumping around like they did 30 years ago! Poor Mick, his voice forgot to show up tonight. Good thing the Stones still got Keith Richards! Keith held the whole show together with some awesome guitar licks! I guess when you’ve been playing guitar for 50 years you tend to get pretty good at it after a while.
I hope you enjoyed the Superbowl as much as I did.
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Time To Vent!!!
Time to vent. I’ve got to get this out. I’m angry, in fact right now I’m pretty well pissed off. I’ve got so much anger built up in me right now it’s not even funny. We were walking through Wal-Mart this evening and I just wanted to punch someone, somebody, something. I really didn’t care, I just wanted to beat the crap out of something. To make matters worse I hate when I get this way.
Why am I so angry? I really feel that I’m angry at my Bipolar disorder. I have been robbed so incredibly much both by my disorder and people taking advantage of me because of my disorder. When I was in school I used to get beat up because of my disorder. When I graduated and entered the workforce I wound up working for some very manipulative people that new how to pull my strings back and forth and take advantage of me.
Over the years my disorder cost me a ton of great jobs. My disorder also cost me a business that I built up, poured my heart and breathe into, a business that I loved and was making some serious money with. I figured it up a while back and the best that I can tell this disorder has cost me way more money then I care to discuss here. Money is not all this disorder has cost me.
The emotional and relational damage done by this disorder is beyond measure. I’ve lost count of the number of friends that I’ve lost when I’ve went off of the deep end one way or the other. There would be times that I would blow off some of my friends and in fact I would hurt them first just so I didn’t have to risk them or anyone else having the chance to hurt me first.
In 1996 my disorder ripped away from me the greatest thing that God had given me on this Earth. In 1996 my wife divorced me when she was almost nine months pregnant. That divorce was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to go through in my life. Shortly after we were divorced my at that time ex-wife gave birth to our third child. That was the only child I wasn’t there for when one of our children came into this world. To this day that still haunts me.
To this day, and I still don’t know how God did it, how God managed to get me to chill out long enough so that He could get my ex-wife & I back together and get us remarried. All I can say to that is that I’ve got a wife with more guts and intestinal fortitude then I could ever hope for. But even at that I’ve still managed to hurt my wife at times when I’ve been going off one way or the other with my Bipolar disorder. When I get out of control and do something hurtful to my wife it makes me just all that much angrier.
Flashbacks suck! I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t know why but for the last couple of weeks I’ve been having flashbacks to my life 10, 15, 20, even 25 years ago. Having these flashbacks has opened up a ton of old wounds. Having these wounds opened up I know has added greatly to my anger. Forgiving the people that hurt you is one thing, but forgetting the pain and agony that they caused is a whole different ballgame.
Tonight when I was taking my meds I heard a little voice tell me “Go ahead, dump all of those pills right down the drain. Go ahead and do it. Go back to the way it used to be. At least you won’t have to deal with the pain that you’re dealing with now.” I didn’t do it. I didn’t dump my meds. I know the voice wasn’t of God and that’s why I didn’t dump them. I will say that I was tempted though.
Right now my meds have me so screwed up with my sleep pattern that it’s not even funny! I can’t get to bed at night and I can’t get up the next day. How bad is it? If Pam won’t come in and fight with me to get me out of bed I’d probably sleep till mid afternoon and I’d get up just in time to go to college. This sucks and it’s driving both Pam and I nuts! I’ve got maintenance work to do for Pastor Rob and I can’t even get around and go do some simple little chores for him.
Pastor Rob called me yesterday and had a talk with me. Pastor Rob told me that he was concerned for me. Pastor Rob told me that what he was seeing in me was not natural for me. Pastor Rob also told me he’s never seen me get this bad before. For some reason I believe that pastor Rob is exactly right. I am in bad shape right now. What I’m doing now is way out of characteristic for me.
I’ve got some bad news for Pastor Rob. I’m concerned about myself too. Tonight I had some of the bad thoughts trying to start creeping back into my mind that I’ve had in the past when I’ve started going off of the deep end with my Bipolar disorder. I know this for sure, if it wouldn’t totally screw up my college for this semester I would seriously consider doing a week’s worth of inpatient treatment just so I could get my life headed back in the right direction.
Venting helps. If I can get it out and write about it I do start to settle down at least just a little. I wish that I could somehow just give all of these pains and hurts to God and just be done with them. I’ve lost count the numbers of times that I’ve heard someone say something like “Just give your pain to Jesus and be done with it.” It might be easy for someone that hasn’t been running down the path of an emotional train wreck for the last thirty years of their life. But for me it’s not that simple.
I grew up in a God fearing home. I was taught the Bible growing up. I consider myself very well versed in the Bible. I’ve been a born again Christian now for almost twenty years. Since 1988 my whole life has been centered around Jesus and getting to know Him and His word in a deep, intimate way. But after all of this time I still don’t know how to give my hurt and my anger to Jesus. That in itself hurts me and makes me just that much angrier.
I’ve got to wrap this up. It’s already 3:15 in the morning and I’m still not in bed. In summary I’m hurting and I’m angry! Right now I hate my life. If it wasn’t for the fact that God gave me an awesome wife and a bunch of great kids I would have been sunk a long time ago. It’s both because of the love of my family and the fact that my family needs me that I don’t just run off and do something insane.
Oh well, life goes on. What can I do? Right now I don’t know. I’m feeling pretty helpless right now. I’m also feeling pretty defeated right now. This is the lowest I’ve felt since my world fell apart a year ago and I went into treatment for my Bipolar disorder. Something has to change. I can only hope that God will change it for the better.
As always…
Be Blessed
BIG SCOTT
Why am I so angry? I really feel that I’m angry at my Bipolar disorder. I have been robbed so incredibly much both by my disorder and people taking advantage of me because of my disorder. When I was in school I used to get beat up because of my disorder. When I graduated and entered the workforce I wound up working for some very manipulative people that new how to pull my strings back and forth and take advantage of me.
Over the years my disorder cost me a ton of great jobs. My disorder also cost me a business that I built up, poured my heart and breathe into, a business that I loved and was making some serious money with. I figured it up a while back and the best that I can tell this disorder has cost me way more money then I care to discuss here. Money is not all this disorder has cost me.
The emotional and relational damage done by this disorder is beyond measure. I’ve lost count of the number of friends that I’ve lost when I’ve went off of the deep end one way or the other. There would be times that I would blow off some of my friends and in fact I would hurt them first just so I didn’t have to risk them or anyone else having the chance to hurt me first.
In 1996 my disorder ripped away from me the greatest thing that God had given me on this Earth. In 1996 my wife divorced me when she was almost nine months pregnant. That divorce was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to go through in my life. Shortly after we were divorced my at that time ex-wife gave birth to our third child. That was the only child I wasn’t there for when one of our children came into this world. To this day that still haunts me.
To this day, and I still don’t know how God did it, how God managed to get me to chill out long enough so that He could get my ex-wife & I back together and get us remarried. All I can say to that is that I’ve got a wife with more guts and intestinal fortitude then I could ever hope for. But even at that I’ve still managed to hurt my wife at times when I’ve been going off one way or the other with my Bipolar disorder. When I get out of control and do something hurtful to my wife it makes me just all that much angrier.
Flashbacks suck! I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t know why but for the last couple of weeks I’ve been having flashbacks to my life 10, 15, 20, even 25 years ago. Having these flashbacks has opened up a ton of old wounds. Having these wounds opened up I know has added greatly to my anger. Forgiving the people that hurt you is one thing, but forgetting the pain and agony that they caused is a whole different ballgame.
Tonight when I was taking my meds I heard a little voice tell me “Go ahead, dump all of those pills right down the drain. Go ahead and do it. Go back to the way it used to be. At least you won’t have to deal with the pain that you’re dealing with now.” I didn’t do it. I didn’t dump my meds. I know the voice wasn’t of God and that’s why I didn’t dump them. I will say that I was tempted though.
Right now my meds have me so screwed up with my sleep pattern that it’s not even funny! I can’t get to bed at night and I can’t get up the next day. How bad is it? If Pam won’t come in and fight with me to get me out of bed I’d probably sleep till mid afternoon and I’d get up just in time to go to college. This sucks and it’s driving both Pam and I nuts! I’ve got maintenance work to do for Pastor Rob and I can’t even get around and go do some simple little chores for him.
Pastor Rob called me yesterday and had a talk with me. Pastor Rob told me that he was concerned for me. Pastor Rob told me that what he was seeing in me was not natural for me. Pastor Rob also told me he’s never seen me get this bad before. For some reason I believe that pastor Rob is exactly right. I am in bad shape right now. What I’m doing now is way out of characteristic for me.
I’ve got some bad news for Pastor Rob. I’m concerned about myself too. Tonight I had some of the bad thoughts trying to start creeping back into my mind that I’ve had in the past when I’ve started going off of the deep end with my Bipolar disorder. I know this for sure, if it wouldn’t totally screw up my college for this semester I would seriously consider doing a week’s worth of inpatient treatment just so I could get my life headed back in the right direction.
Venting helps. If I can get it out and write about it I do start to settle down at least just a little. I wish that I could somehow just give all of these pains and hurts to God and just be done with them. I’ve lost count the numbers of times that I’ve heard someone say something like “Just give your pain to Jesus and be done with it.” It might be easy for someone that hasn’t been running down the path of an emotional train wreck for the last thirty years of their life. But for me it’s not that simple.
I grew up in a God fearing home. I was taught the Bible growing up. I consider myself very well versed in the Bible. I’ve been a born again Christian now for almost twenty years. Since 1988 my whole life has been centered around Jesus and getting to know Him and His word in a deep, intimate way. But after all of this time I still don’t know how to give my hurt and my anger to Jesus. That in itself hurts me and makes me just that much angrier.
I’ve got to wrap this up. It’s already 3:15 in the morning and I’m still not in bed. In summary I’m hurting and I’m angry! Right now I hate my life. If it wasn’t for the fact that God gave me an awesome wife and a bunch of great kids I would have been sunk a long time ago. It’s both because of the love of my family and the fact that my family needs me that I don’t just run off and do something insane.
Oh well, life goes on. What can I do? Right now I don’t know. I’m feeling pretty helpless right now. I’m also feeling pretty defeated right now. This is the lowest I’ve felt since my world fell apart a year ago and I went into treatment for my Bipolar disorder. Something has to change. I can only hope that God will change it for the better.
As always…
Be Blessed
BIG SCOTT
Friday, February 03, 2006
All mIxEd uP AGAIN!
I’m starting to get settled back in college finally. I found out Wednesday that I scored a perfect score on an English test I took the other day. In addition I think I scored a perfect score on the English test paper I wrote Wednesday. My Public Speaking (Speech) and English Comp are very closely related. I like both of my instructors and they both say I’m doing great work. When your instructors have faith in you and complement you it makes it much easier to have faith in yourself.
I found out that I’ve got an A in my Computer Mechanics class. This is the class that I’ve been struggling in. Our grades for all of our classes are posted in our private student portfolio online. We can log in and see the latest posting of our grades so we can see where all of our grades are at. When I saw my A in my Computer Mechanics class I went to my instructor and asked him if there was a typo. He said due to me showing up for every class and participating in class is the reason that I’ve achieved an A so far.
I’m also getting to where I’m enjoying the rest of my classes. Now, if I can just keep this steady pace up, I believe I’ll make it in college. What a difference getting my ADHD under control has done for me. Taking the last three years off from college and achieving a balance with my disorders has made a new student out of me.
We had our State baseball rules meeting Wednesday evening. I’ve been looking forward to this meeting as this means that we’re getting close to that ever so sacred first pitch. How bad do I have baseball fever? Every time we drive by one of the ballparks I work I just have to say out loud “Play Ball!” Once again, I’m sure glad I’ve got a wife that humors me!
I’ve been trying to write this blog for three days now. While the above highlights what is going good in my life not all things are coming up roses. I’m still having terrible med hangovers in the mornings. It flat stinks having to wake up. When my meds kick in I can sleep through just about anything. In addition if Pam doesn’t come and pry my but out of bed I could easily sleep 10-12 hours. It’s nice not bouncing off of the walls all of the time but we’ve got to keep working to give me a life.
The last couple of weeks it’s been sleeping in late, getting up and doing a few things around the house. Then it’s off to get the kids from school and turn around and ship me off to college. I may not be as hyper as I used to be but my internal clock still gets wound up tight in the evening and sometimes I can’t get to sleep until anywhere from 3:00-5:00 a.m. in the morning. Man I wish we could get my clock straightened out!
Oh well, it’s 12:45 in the morning. I hope my meds will kick in here in a little bit so I can get some sleep before it gets too much later.
More to come later!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
I found out that I’ve got an A in my Computer Mechanics class. This is the class that I’ve been struggling in. Our grades for all of our classes are posted in our private student portfolio online. We can log in and see the latest posting of our grades so we can see where all of our grades are at. When I saw my A in my Computer Mechanics class I went to my instructor and asked him if there was a typo. He said due to me showing up for every class and participating in class is the reason that I’ve achieved an A so far.
I’m also getting to where I’m enjoying the rest of my classes. Now, if I can just keep this steady pace up, I believe I’ll make it in college. What a difference getting my ADHD under control has done for me. Taking the last three years off from college and achieving a balance with my disorders has made a new student out of me.
We had our State baseball rules meeting Wednesday evening. I’ve been looking forward to this meeting as this means that we’re getting close to that ever so sacred first pitch. How bad do I have baseball fever? Every time we drive by one of the ballparks I work I just have to say out loud “Play Ball!” Once again, I’m sure glad I’ve got a wife that humors me!
I’ve been trying to write this blog for three days now. While the above highlights what is going good in my life not all things are coming up roses. I’m still having terrible med hangovers in the mornings. It flat stinks having to wake up. When my meds kick in I can sleep through just about anything. In addition if Pam doesn’t come and pry my but out of bed I could easily sleep 10-12 hours. It’s nice not bouncing off of the walls all of the time but we’ve got to keep working to give me a life.
The last couple of weeks it’s been sleeping in late, getting up and doing a few things around the house. Then it’s off to get the kids from school and turn around and ship me off to college. I may not be as hyper as I used to be but my internal clock still gets wound up tight in the evening and sometimes I can’t get to sleep until anywhere from 3:00-5:00 a.m. in the morning. Man I wish we could get my clock straightened out!
Oh well, it’s 12:45 in the morning. I hope my meds will kick in here in a little bit so I can get some sleep before it gets too much later.
More to come later!
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
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