My Problems?

All of a sudden my problems and mental disorders seem a whole lot smaller. I've still got my family, my home, my job and my town. Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco has asked residents to spend Wednesday in prayer. I think we all need to join her. I'll be praying for God's miraculous presence to be felt by those struck by Katrina.

Romans 8:37 & 38
³⁸And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. ³⁹Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Be Blessed

Scott

Whatever you meditate on...

My wife has been telling me for quite some time not to concentrate (meditate) on my mental disorders. My wife repeatedly tells me that she can tell when I'm focusing on my mental disorders because without fail it will trigger a depression spell. Today in church our pastor, Pastor Rob spoke on the same exact thing! Once again, this just proves how wise my wife really is!

For the last few weeks I've been concentrating very hard on my relationship with Jesus. I've also noticed that during this time my down swings down swing as low, come near as often, or last as long as they used to. Yesterday for the first time in a long, long time I actually shared Jesus with someone. Unfortunately, I don't remember the last time I did that.

Over the last few weeks I've had some serious challenges with my job and I know that I know that my concentrating on Jesus is what gave me the strength to keep on keeping on and not quit. Pastor Rob said that we need to ask Jesus to give us a positive outlook on things. I know that this is true as over the last week I've become very upset with a couple of people and the only I was able to release my anger was to ask Jesus to give me his view of these people. In fact Jesus reminded me this week that "Jesus died and rose again for every man, woman, & child on this earth, not just a select few."

Philippians 4:13 "For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."

BIG

Sometimes...

I wonder if the treatment is worse then the disorder.

I wonder if this is all really worth it.

I know I need my meds.

I know that my treatment is what's best for me.

I know I can't skip my meds.

I know my meds do help.

I hate the side effects of my meds.

I just hurt.

I get frustrated with mood swings.

I wonder where this all came from.

I understand what's happening.

I don't understand what's happening.

I wish I had more energy.

I would get better faster.

I was a better father.

I was a better husband.

I could handle seriousness.

I wasn't getting old quite so fast.

I didn't have these mental disorders.

I had more self control.

I had found out about my mental disorders years ago.

I could control my weight better.

I could praise God more.

I understood God more.

I knew God better.

I would pray more.

I would be filled with the Holy Spirit more.

I would read the Bible more regular.

I would share Jesus more.

I feared God more and people less.

I would do more for God.

And...

Always...

I thank God that he is control & I'm not!

BIG

Man, I went off of the deep end!!!

Man, I went off of the deep end with my mania today! It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been this hyper and have had this much mania. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest where you’re so up in mania that you can’t even function I would say that I made it to about a 6 or a 7 today. I was really bouncing off of the walls!

I drive a shag truck where I will pull one semi trailer out of a dock and spot in a parking lot and then grab a different trailer and back it back into that dock. I was running around pulling and spotting trailers like there was no tomorrow! I’d back into a dock and hop out and bounce back to the back end of the trailer I was spotting to check how I did on my spot job and to chalk the wheels. I’d see how well I did backing in and I would just jump up & say “PRAISE GOD!” I had to praise God on every spot job I did as I was doing a really great job backing in and I was way to hyper to do that good on my own. I know God was in control today because I was sure having a hard time staying in control!

It’s so nice to know that when my mental disorder gets out of control that God is still in control!

Romans 8:16: For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children.

Romans 8:26: And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress.

Galatians 5:25: If we are living now by the Holy Spirit, let us follow the Holy Spirit's leading in every part of our lives.

Be Blessed!

BIG!

Why???

Why???

The number one question I’ve been asked is “Why are you choosing to share my life & my mental disorder with the world?”

The answer is rather pretty simple. It seems for all of my life I’ve been on the edge. What is this edge? This edge is the edge of completion, the edge of winning, the edge of success, the edge of intercession, the edge of greatness, the edge of being the husband I want to be, the edge of being the father I want to be, the edge of nearness to God, the edge of whom I want to be and the edge of whom God wants me to be.

For years and years every time I got to that edge something would happen, I would falter, or I would allow someone or the enemy to stop me at the edge and then fall back so that I would never go over that edge and get to where I want to go or be who either I or God would want me to be. I have had a great deal of success in many different facets of my life. Sometimes I’ve even broke through and even had some really serious successes. Every time, without fail that I’ve had these successes I’ve faltered.

I feel sorry for my parents and those that love me. Every time I was going along & doing well, getting to the point that someone would start believing in me I would do something totally wrong, weird, or off the wall and here would come the failures and disappointment. Not only have I been a disappointment to myself for many, many years, but also to my family and many of my friends. I have been tormented, bruised, & beaten for a time longer then I can remember over these failures and disappointments.

It’s time for a change! I’m sick and tired of loosing! I’ve been spending a great deal of time in God’s word and with God over the past few months. You know what I’ve found out? God has not called us to be failures. God didn’t call us to be disappointments. Jesus didn’t die on that cross just so we could give everything back to the enemy.

For once in my life I am going to succeed! I know that I know that God has called me to be an example to those that are also suffering with mental disorders. Jesus is not a failure. Jesus lives in me. Since Jesus lives in me and Jesus is not a failure that means that I am no longer a failure either!

Do I still suffer from mental disorders? Yes. Do I still have a need for medical intervention for my mental disorders? Yes. Do I still need my meds to help control my mental disorders? Do I still go for talk therapy to help with my mental disorders? Yes.

OK, so if I still do all of the above, why do I need Jesus? Because Jesus is STILL in the healing business! Why has Jesus just not stepped up and instantly, miraculously healed me of my mental disorder? I don’t know & I don’t really even care. I just know that Jesus heals.

Sometime Jesus heals through miraculous intervention. Sometimes Jesus heals through time in allowing the great human body that God himself so intricately and divinely designed to heal itself in the way God designed the human body to heal itself. And sometimes God calls on medicine and medical science to help heal the body.

Where am I in this scope of healing? I personally believe that God is using a bit of every type of healing listed above to help in my healing. I know the meds have helped with my terrible mood swings and helped bring me up from a pit of depression so low that I was considering suicide. I know that God has used talk therapy to help me open up and get a ton of my pain out where God can deal with my pain and heal my pain. And the biggee- I know that God has done miracles in me and through me in that I now have relationships again with some of those whom I hurt or just shut out.

I just have to share a miracle here that has been going on for about three months now. One of my best friends growing up was a girl named Robin. We were like brother and sister. We graduated together in a class of only seventeen kids! Up until about three months ago, we really hadn’t even so much as even talked to each other since we graduated almost 25 years ago. God reunited us like I said about three months ago via the internet and telephone. Come to find out that we’ve both been to the pits of hell in back in our lives and that both of our lives have been filled with a great deal of trauma.

God is so awesome! We now once again have one of the most awesome brother/sister relationships that one could ever hope for! God has worked in us that we are now lifting each other up in Jesus! We are eagerly working towards a family reunion with both of our families! I told Robin tonight that when Jesus actually brings both of our families together in person someone had better bring the Puffs! There is going to be a whole bunch of holy, happy tears flowing from the great work that Jesus has done!

Let me challenge you. Pick one thing that Jesus could do that would bring healing and joy in your life. Ask Jesus to help. Pray that Jesus would bring healing in you in his (Jesus’) way so that you too can have a “Victory in Jesus”!

Be Blessed!

Scott

That explains that!!!

I've been reflecting back over the past several weeks since I received my "official" diagnoses. I was diagnosed with Major Depression, Adult Attention Deficit & Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), & Bi-Polar Disorder. Major Depression is when you get down and stay down longer then normal and have a hard time getting back to "normal", whatever that may be. ADHD is when you have a hard time staying focused on something over a period of time combined with a high amount of hyperness. And then finally, Bi-Polar Disorder. There are several kinds of Bi-Polar disorder with the common connecting factor being someone that has mood swings that swing higher then normal, lower then normal, and more often then normal, with once again with whatever "normal" is.

I am so relieved to finally have my diagnoses! For years & years I was blown away by some of the things that I've done. Literally, thousands and thousands of times I've thought either "Am I crazy? What the heck am I doing" or "That was stupid, what the heck made me do that?" I know now that I've been afflicted by a mental disorder that is physically based. My depression is caused by low levels of Serotonin, the chemical that enables nerve cells to communicate with each other. My ADHD & Bi-Polar Disorder are also physically based. In fact medical science has found that all three of my conditions are also hereditary. Or should I say, "I didn't get this way on my own!"

An interesting note here, I've been adopted twice...

Once at birth by my loving parents...

&

Once again in 1988 when Jesus welcomed me into His family!!!

Due to my being adopted at birth I have never known either one of my birth parents including whether they had any of the other disorders I have including my Spina-Biffada (more on that later). I'm sure glad that besides my loving wife I've got Jesus & the Holy Spirit with me as I travel this new course set before me in discovering my mental health.

Before my diagnoses, whenever I would go off on a tangent or something the enemy would really attack me & hold whatever silly thing I did over my head and use it to try to separate me from Jesus. Now, whenever I do something silly, I know where it comes from and I just put it under the forgiving blood of Jesus!

The Apostle Paul gave those of us with Bi-Polar Disorder a fantastic verse in Romans 8:38 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Be Blessed!

BIG

Church Today & A Mood Swing

I'm not sure why, but for some reason I seem to have a down mood swing towards depression every Sunday morning. My mood swing could be could be caused by a number of things. I've thought that one of the major factors affecting my mood swings was that I work all week and then I don't get up at my normal times on Sunday morning and head off to my hectic job. It could be that my mood cycles just hit the down side on Sundays. I've finally decided it's none of these things.

Today when we were ready to head off to church I couldn't find my notebook/portfolio where I keep all of my organizational stuff plus my journal. I love to sit in church and journal as I listen to our praise team and pastor. Many, many times while I'm journaling in church God shows me things or just allows me to open my heart to God so God can come in and do some much needed work on me. Like I said, I didn't have my journal & I panicked. I had left my book in my truck at work!

My loving wife Pam came in and handed me one of the kids notebooks that we had bought them for school. This one had the three hole punch so I could pull the pages and stick them in my notebook. Once again, crisis quelled by my loving wife and incredible life partner, Pam! Off to church we go!

What a pleasant surprise we had when we arrived at church. Our wonder pastor, Pastor Rob had decided to have praise & worship for the entire service! When we got into church, once again I started to into my downward swing. But for some reason, today's down swing was different. Like I said, I started down but as the praise and worship continued I found myself doing a second 180 degree swing a I started right back up!

I really felt God moving on me. As we went deeper and deeper into praise and worship, the more filled and content I became. By the end of our church service today, I knew why I was having the downward mood swings. My downness was nothing more then the enemy attacking me every Sunday morning. The enemy does not want me to be one with Jesus, nor does the enemy want me filled with Jesus, receiving Jesus' blessing, and the healing and restoration that comes from being one with Jesus!

When I left church today I felt the best that I've felt in the better part of a year after leaving church.

In Mark 2:17 Jesus said "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

That would be me!

Be Blessed!

BIG

A little mania can be fun!

This is going to be one of those days where I don't say anything deep or resounding! Why not??? I've having a mild manic attack! In fact I've been on one all day! I'm not so sure I should use the words manic attack, but I've definitely been manic all day and I've sure been feeling awnry and wanting to attack, at least in a fun way, kind of like Tigger bouncing Pooh! On days like this my loving wife calls me "Woody Woodpecker". She says I bounce around a whole lot laughing the whole way, almost like He he he he! He he he he! Just like Woody Woodpecker does!

The last week or so I've been on the down (depression) swing. Now I'm on the up swing.

Two things hit home here.

First, even over the last week, Jesus was there with me, lifting me up when I was down, and even somehow managing to minister through me to a couple of people.

Secondly, once again I'm reminded that a little bit of mania can be a little bit fun! Any amount of depression whatsoever is no fun at all!

Be Blessed!

Big Scott

Living with BP and trying to be a Christian is an interesting concept

I received a note today. Here’s a short excerpt: “Living with BP and trying to be a Christian is an interesting concept. It was impossible for me.”

I really felt the leading of the Holy Spirit on me as I wrote this today. Here is my reply. Please feel free to pass it on if you so desire!

It is only impossible if we don't believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and that he died for our sins and rose again to set us free. If you believe that, then it is possible!

I've actually found that having a supporting church makes it to where I couldn't even dream of living with the diagnoses I have! I will say that some of the churches where I've attended in the past would have made this just the opposite! The four gospels (Matthew, Marl, Luke, & ESPICIALLY John) are so chocked full of Jesus reaching out to those that are hurting!

Try looking at being a Christian in a different light.

What does it mean to be a Christian?

Does it mean doing everything right?

Ephesians 2:8 & 9 (New Living Translation) says "8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast." I can't be a Christian if I have do everything right. I guarantee you when I'm manic like I was earlier today, my wonderful wife had to rife me pretty hard to keep me under control. When I'm on a mood swing, I am very prone to sin (Ephesians 2:8, above).

Here in Wichita, we've been dealing with this nightmare called BTK. Today, the BTK murderer was sentenced to life in prison plus 40 years. Can a person the heinous & vile be saved by Jesus & go to heaven?

Romans 3:21-23 (New Living Translation)

21But now God has shown us a different way of being right in his sight--not by obeying the law but by the way promised in the Scriptures long ago. 22We are made right in God's sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done. 23For all have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious standard.

Will we see Dennis Rader aka BTK in Heaven? Quite possibly. If God can save BTK, I would have to say you're "a piece of cake!"

I would say rather then trying to be a Christian with mental disorders, try just believing in Jesus and let Jesus take it from there! Jesus loves you, there's no doubt about that! I'll go you one better, Jesus loves you for who you are, Jesus loves you no matter what you've done, Jesus loves you right where you're at, & Jesus is waiting for you with open arms!

Try reading the Book of John in the New Testament. I'd recommend an easy to read version like the New Living Translation which I use or the New Century or the New International Versions which I also enjoy because they are so plain, clear, & easy to understand.

A side note here. I've really been battling a down swing to the depression side in my Bi-Polar for about a week now. Yes, I am a Christian and yes, I do have depression. Anyway, one of the things that helped bring me out of this down swing was having the opportunity to reach out and write this to others like me. This has helped me a ton! I hope it helps you too!

Be Blessed in Jesus!

BIG!

What A Day!!!

Or should I say, What a week so far!!!

One thing that I noticed is that trying to balance a high stress job, family, ADHD, & Bi-Polar disorder can sometimes be daunting. Once again, if it wasn't for Jesus living in me in conjunction with the power of the Holy Spirit lifting me up, I wouldn't have a chance, or should I say, have a prayer or making it through the day!

There are so very many others out there that have been diagnosed with the same disorders that I have been diagnosed with. Many, many of these people are in fact not able to work full time or even part time. Also, many have to fight just to get through the day. For those that read this that have disorders, whatever your level of disorder is, I hope I can share some encouragement and hope as I share about my daily life & struggles.

I've been so very blessed to be able to return to work full time after being sidelined for only about 3 1/2 months to acquire a diagnosis for me and to get my meds stabilized. I give full credit for this to God! God was able to work through my wonderful wife Pam to enable her to take the lead in insuring that I got the proper diagnosis and to make sure that my doctors and therapists did really see what was going on. I believe that God showed my wife what I had as every time she suggested that she was something in me, the doctors did listen intently to her and infact confirmed everything she said! Some may say it was just your wife knowing you so well. That may have been part of it, but for someone with no training whatsoever in mental disorders to get things 100% right, that had to of been from the leading of an outside source and that source was God!

Another avenue that God worked through was our wonderful church, Word of Life here in Wichita and our Pastor, Rob Rotolla. God has revealed so very much about me to Pastor Rob too. Pastor Rob is a very unique individual. Pastor Rob has built a complete ministry in our church to do nothing other then to deal with those who are having difficulties in a mental way in some sort or other. Pastor Rob even has this ministry headed by a full time pdoc staffer! This is one church where those with mental disorders don't have to worry about being stigmatize!

I've gotten a few emails over the last couple of days asking for references for churches in their area. I'm working on this. Two denominations that I know that are open to those with mental disorders are Vineyard's & Maranatha churches. I know there are more then these. I'm waiting to hear from some people. I would look for a church that has a full time counseling center. That would be your first clue that they are reaching out to those with mental disorders or difficulties. I would also look for a church that is big in to contemporary praise & worship and has a big, more youthful attendance.

Getting kind of long today & I'm getting pretty tired! That 4:15 wake up call comes pretty early!

Be Blessed!

Here we go!!!

Here we go with my new blog! I’ve got a bunch of stuff on my heart that I feel the need to share. Like I said in the About Me column, I’m a Christian with a “Mental Illness”. First, let me say this, I really, really believe that using the words Mental & Illness together is really a misnomer. If I’ve got an Illness, I go see the doctor, get a shot or take some meds, & I normally get over my illness in a few days. Rather then saying Mental Illness, I believe that using the term “Mental Disorder” would be much more appropriate.

I look at it this way, I was also born with Spina Bifida. I have a very mild case of Spina Bifida & it only affects three vertebrae, but none the less I still have Spina Bifida. You notice I never said that I have “Spina Bifida Illness”? Spina Bifida is something that you have for years and sometimes life. Mental Disorders are the same way. Many, many Mental disorders are inherited just the same way that my Spina Bifida was. We now know Bi-Polar Disorder, ADHD, Depression, and many other Mental Disorders are inherited in your genes. Click on my Depression & Bi-Polar Support Alliance link to find out more!

Another thing that I want to touch on here is my walk with Jesus. I can tell you this that if had not been for Jesus being in my life I truly believe that I would not be here now. Not only did Jesus save my soul, I also believe that Jesus literally saved my life! When my depression hit an all-time low a few months back, the last thing I had to fall back on was Jesus! I listened to hours on end to Christian Rock. Jesus ministered to me immensely through Air1 Radio (see my link to Air1). I also spent quite a bit of time in the Bible reading God’s word and letting Jesus speak to me through his word. And finally, either by myself, or with my wife holding me tightly to her bossum, I shed a ton of tears and gave them to Jesus!

I know that there are a ton of people out there with mental disorders who are searching for a relationship with God, or a god, or even “some higher power”. This blog is for you. As I go blogging along, I’ll share about my walk with Jesus. Keep in mind I am Bi-Polar. There will be high points, there will be low points. I hope to have people send me questions. My Pastor, Pastor Rob Rotolla of Word of Life Church in Wichita, Kansas told me today he is there to support me in this. Our church also has a counseling center led by a state certified pdoc. So, if anyone asks something I’m not sure of or I can’t answer, I have a great church with a bunch of experts who will be glad to step up & help answer these questions! Fire Away!

I think I’m off to a pretty good start! Stop by & see my blog every few days, you might just be surprised with what you might see here or learn!