Men vs. Women: The Communication Gap

I got a really great question poised to me this evening.  I felt that I need to pass the question along including my response.  If you know of someone who’s marriage is suffering please feel free to pass this along.  It’s the longest blog I’ve ever wrote.  I only wrote this because I felt the leading of the Lord in this.  I hope and pray you get some good out of it.

Here it goes!

Hey listen, do men always write such short & to the point letters, vs. Women who write and write and write their hearts and souls out until they can't write anymore, and then men write back and go, OK.  It's so disappointing.  Ha, don't take offense, it perhaps is probably is an unfair generalization, but it has been my experience.  Women get so disappointed by that (the shortness).  I suppose there are women who are just to the point kind of people too.  I just really need to know what is going on. 

Here’s my answer:
God designed men to be the provider and the head of the house.  God also designed men to take charge of things.  God put it in our nature to get to the point.  God has also put in our nature to be sensitive towards women.  Unfortunately not all men follow God's direction.  Let me change that, very few men follow God's direction.  If we men followed God's perfect direction then we would be able to care for women, minister to women, comfort women, and in fact be able to listen to women and somehow to decipher what it is a woman is trying to tell us.  And we would also see the divorce rate drop in the world!
 
The problem herein lies that men don't wait on God.  Men get too wound up in what's going on around them to pay proper attention to a woman’s voice, her actual message she is trying to convey.  In fact over the past thirty years or so this problem has gotten substantially worse.  One could even make the point that since the computer revolution has hit and everyone’s life went from fast to warp speed in just the last six years or so we men have just basically thrown out the window all of the instructions that God has given us men in dealing with and ministering to women.  We men have a big problem in the area of communication with women.

Almost without exception when a couple go to see a marriage counselor because their marriage is on the rocks the first thing a marriage counselor will most likely do is to try to teach the couple how to communicate with each other.  I had a good friend call me about two months ago and told me that his wife wanted a legal separation and he asked me what to do.  I told him to go to her, apologize to her for his actions, and then ask her if he could pray over her.  He did exactly as I told him to do and now they have a strong marriage again.

What was the big changing in point in my friend’s marriage?  Two key points jump out at me.  First when he went and apologized to his wife he admitted that he wasn’t perfect and that yes he had made mistakes.  My friend doing this opened him up to his wife in an intimate kind of way and it knocked down all of the defensive walls that he had built.  The next thing that he did was pray.  When he prayed over her it started the communication between them flowing again.

The key point here is the apologizing.  If he would not have apologized and tore down his walls so he could communicate with his wife nothing would have ever changed and they would both probably each have their own divorce attorney now.  As soon as his wall came down his wife did an immediate 180 degree turn.  He gave his wife the one thing that was missing in their marriage.  He gave her an open line of communication with him.

One of the greatest gifts that a man can give his wife is a chance for her to speak her mind.  This is something that I personally have set a goal for me to do every day.  We men need to go to our wives at least once a day, away from the kids, television, and every other distraction including our computers and such and stop and ask our wives one simple question.  We need to look our wives in the eyes and simply ask “Honey, what is on your mind?”  If we as men would do that every day our wives would think we men are given directly by God himself!

I’m going to throw in a side note and a challenge here.  Guys, I’ve got ADHD pretty bad and I have a heck of a time sitting there and doing this sometimes.  Guys, if I can do this I know you can!  But wait, I’m not finished here yet.  Women, you’re not getting off of the hook real easy here either!

Women, you need to understand that for some reason, and I’m not exactly sure what that reason is, that we men are a little bit hard headed at times.  If we don’t exactly hear what it is that you’re saying, please don’t get frustrated with us and give up.  Sometimes we men need a little bit of help.  If your husband is going to the lengths of opening up and listening to you please be patient and just share with him.  You never know, he might just hear you.

Another thing that I personally have found beneficial in our marriage is when my wife does come to me and says to me “I have something we need to talk about” or “I have something I need to say to you.”  When my wife does this it cues me to break free with some time, somehow because I know that my wife needs to communicate with me.  Women you need to let us men know that you want to communicate with us!

Believe it or not I’ve actually found some ways to find some time for my wife to communicate with me.  As an example, with all of our kids and such we spend a great deal of time in our mini-van.  This is a great opportunity and time for couples to communicate.  I find that if I turn off the radio, put down the cell phone, and slow down so I don’t have to weave in and out of traffic my wife and I can actually communicate.  Just this evening my wife and I actually communicated for ten straight minutes without interruption in a drive across town.  Ten whole minutes mind you!

I know I’ve come down pretty hard on the guy’s side in this.  The problem is that I’m a guy too and I can see where I’ve went wrong.  I’m not my wife and I can’t change my wife.  Only God and my wife can change my wife.  So therefore I focus on what I can change and that is me, a guy.

Our pastor was explaining to us the other day that one person can make a difference, that one person can save a marriage.  I believe that to be true.  I know that if I as a guy do my part in our marriage, that if I pay attention to my wife, that I listen to my wife when she communicates with me, that I am doing my part to strengthen our marriage.

I also believe that if you stop and give a woman a chance to speak and communicate she will.  I don’t say that as joke or a pun or anything, rather I say that as I believe that is something that God put into women when he designed women.  I believe that a woman has a God given need to communicate how she feels.  Once again, if I as a guy pay heed to my wife’s God given needs, then yes we will have a great marriage.

I heard it many times, in fact there is a course out there that uses this slogan which is “Marriage takes three.”  Those three are the Lord (God), the wife, and the husband.  The Lord is the biggest part.  God has given us basic instructions in the Bible.  In the Bible we find that we are to keep our marriage pretty simple really.  First we put God first, and then we men are to love our wives as Christ first loved the church, and then finally it’s the women’s part to submit to your husbands.

One of the last things that Jesus did before he left Earth to return to Heaven was to inform us that He would send his Holy Spirit for us.  The Holy Spirit enables us the Church, the body of believers to go directly to God with our prayers, our communications.  The one thing that the Lord loves more then anything is when we communicate openly and freely with Him.  If we take our cares, our wants, our needs, our praises to Him, He will open up and freely communicate back with us.  That’s a big part of it when we love our wives as Christ first loved the Church.  Be led by the Holy Spirit, open up and communicate.

When the body, the Church is communicating openly and freely with the Lord, then we are submitting ourselves to be led by the Lord too.  We can hear the Lord’s instructions in our lives.  This is where the part of the wives comes in to play here.  When there is that open line of communication then the men can do their part and the wives can do their part.  We hear each others needs, wants, desires, and many times, even the hurts.  We just need to stop and communicate with each other.  Just the way the Lord designed it.

I know this went a little bit long but I hope that there are those that got some good out of this!

Be Blessed!

BIG SCOTT