Tonight’s blog is going to be a little tough to write. The last four days or so have been pretty hard on me. I’m still not sure what happened but the ugly side of my mental illness did indeed raise it’s ugly head. Like I said last night “One of the problems with Bipolar disorder is that you’re going to have some bad days. It’s just going to happen, it’s a fact of life.”
The last four days I’ve had to fight off some of the worst mixed states that I’ve had since I started my treatment. Just so you know, a mixed state is when you are in both a state of mania and depression at the same time. To make things worse, Satan, the enemy threw every thing at me that he had. Satan was really hammering on me, testing me the last few days.
The last two days were the worst. I had no energy to get out and do anything, or, for that matter, I had almost no energy to even get out of bed. But on the flip side, in the evenings I was so wide awake that I was up until 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning. The evening & night time was by far and away the worst. I was wide awake, very little physical energy, but my mind was wound up pretty tight putting me on the edge and emotionally I felt like crap! Sorry if that offends anyone, but that is as nice as I can put it!
Did I pass all of the tests that Satan threw at me? No, I sure didn’t. In fact in a couple of the tests that he threw at me I failed miserablly. It is in these mixed states that those with Bipolar disorder tend to get themselves in trouble, in fact many times deep trouble. A sad fact of Bipolar disorder is that about 10% of the people that have Bipolar disorder commit suicide. The good news is that during this time suicide never crossed my mind. Satan knows that I’ve got way to much to live for and I’m not attacked there any more.
So what did I do today? I got up late, real late. But I did get up and get going and I actually went and did a bunch of painting today. Man it felt good to get out and actually do something productive! I’ve got bursidis pretty bad in my right shoulder & it flared up on me today but not even bursidis could keep me down when I grabbed that paint brush & took off.
The other thing that I did today, this evening actually, was to stop and tell God that I was sorry for the sins I commited over the past couple of days. I had to stop and ask for forgiveness for failing the tests that Satan threw at me. When I failed those tests I failed God and sinned.
I really hate it when I blow it like I did. I can really get down on myself when I fail God. The good news is that I didn’t get that down when I failed this time. I just went to God and said “Sorry God, I blew it. Forgive me God, please.”
I like what was wrote in Psalms 145:14-15 & 19. “The LORD helps the fallen and lifts up those bent beneath their loads. All eyes look to you for help. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them.” That would pretty much describe what’s happened today with God and myself.
Be Blessed!
BIG SCOTT
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