I said I’m going to be honest and open

OK, I said I wasn’t going to try and paint a rosy picture here in my blog when there isn’t one to paint. I said I’m going to be honest and open. I also said that I’m doing this so the whole world can see what Jesus is doing in my life. Well, tonight it’s not a pretty picture and I’m just going to open up and be honest.

I have no idea who said it first as I’ve heard it from many different people and sources, but there is a saying that goes something like this “The truth may not be pretty but the truth does bring healing.” The Lord showed me a truth last night and today about myself. That truth is that I am a very angry person right now. Where this anger comes from I do not know but I do know that when our autistic son ran away last night a very angry, burning side of me really wanted to come out.

When we were looking for our son rather then get scared and broken up like my wife I got angry. To put it plainly I was steaming mad! When the police came and told me that they had our son yes I was relieved but I was still steaming mad. When I got to the police station and saw our son I was so mad I didn’t even give him a hug. Our son looked at me and knew he was in big trouble.

I stood in that police station looking at our son ripping myself apart inside. One side of me wanted to get down and love on him but that side was pushed back by the side that wanted to take him to the bathroom right then and there and light a fire on his but with my belt. I was so angry and torn apart inside while I was in that police station I couldn’t even remember his birthday. I barely got my own information out correctly.

After I got our son picked up I went and picked up my wife and our other three kids at the game. I was so manic at that point I was surprised that I could even drive. We got home and our son went right to bed. We got the other kids in bed along with my wife and I just sat down at my computer and wrote the story about what happened and put it on the blog.

I finally got wound down enough with the help of my meds about three in the morning to go to bed. Finally just before four in the morning I finally broke down and cried over what had happened. Needless to say last night lasted way to long and is not a good memory in my life.

Today I found myself being so angry that a couple of times I didn’t lock our van hoping that someone would try to steal something out of it so I would have someone to legally pound. The second time I did this the Lord really jumped up slapped me up side of the head and had a talk with me. The Lord brought back to me four verses out of Proverbs.

14:29 Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes.

15:18 A hothead starts fights; a cool-tempered person tries to stop them.

20:3 Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.

29:22 A hot-tempered person starts fights and gets into all kinds of sin.

The Lord also just showed me one other verse in Proverbs (focus on the underlined).

15:32 If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.

I’m normally not a hot headed person. It’s not very often that I’ve got anger issues. Like I said I don’t know where they came from in my life. I do know that I need to spend some more time with the Lord and get rid of this garbage called “anger” in my life. Now I know why I’ve not enjoyed this Christmas season. It’s all due to this ugly anger.

I’m sure glad that I’ve got Jesus in my life. I’m also glad that I was able to hear the Lord tell me what’s going on. I’m also thankful that Fred got me into Proverbs as the Lord was able to work through that and show me what’s going on, or should I say what’s going wrong. Like I said, this blog is to show what Jesus is doing in my life. I hope this blog is also a witness to the Lord’s redemptive powers.

BTW… When I settled down last night instead of spanking our son I went in and gave him a hug and prayed over him.

Be Blessed!!!

BIG SCOTT