Just A Little Bit Freer

One of the little quirks that I’ve noticed with my ADHD is that I have to sit in the back of the class.  If I sit in the front of the class I am so distracted by what’s going on around me that I can’t concentrate.  For me to sit in the front of the class would mean constant looking around, and looking over my shoulder, rubber necking if you will.  If I can sit in the back of the class then I know that nothing is going on and I can concentrate and even at times learn something.

Tonight in Speech class I was sitting in the back row just like I always do.  I’m not sure why but a couple of the other students chose to come back and sit with me.  The students that came and sat with me were the same age as our oldest daughter.  I guess that since I’m one of the two class clowns they figured that I was a pretty kewl guy and I was OK to sit by.  It actually made me feel kind of good.

Tonight in speech it was time for everyone in the class to give their demonstration speech.  A demonstration speech is pretty much just what the name implies.  You get up and give a demonstration on how to make something, fix something, or how something works.  I was the third person to go and I gave my demonstration speech on how to clean a computer mouse so it works properly.  I didn’t nail my speech just perfect but I did get an A so I came away pretty happy about it.

The next person up after me was this kid fresh out of high school that has both learning and speech disabilities.  This kid is different from everyone else in the class.  When he speaks he really has to fight a stuttering problem, you can tell that many times it’s a labor for him to get his words out.  If you watch him walk or move it’s always in a determined, methodic, business like manner.  In addition he always sits in the front of the class by himself.

I was watching the kid set up for his speech and seeing that he was extremely prepared but he was still having some problems.  It was at this point that something came over me.  I was sitting there in the back of the class chatting with my fellow classmates killing time while waiting for the kid to start when I just had the urge to start making fun of this kid.  I knew that if I did I would probably be even more accepted by my fellow students.  

At first I was shocked that I had that kind of urge and I was even more shocked that I had to fight to resist that urge.  Why did I have that urge?  Where did that urge come from?  These are the kind of questions that I’ve been asking myself ever since class ended.

I really feel what I was feeling was just the reverse of what I’ve felt for so many years.  With my Bipolar disorder and ADHD I have had to endure years and years of brutal torment and teasing when I was in school.  I believe what happened in class tonight was the anger and hurt that I’ve had all bottled inside of me for so many years was wanting to come out.  As those feelings started coming out they manifested themselves in to wanting to cause pain and hurt to someone else just like what was done to me.

I know that the Lord let those feeling come to the surface like He did for a reason.  Now that I’ve started to identify the anger I have inside of me I can now give God another place to come in and work on me.  I know that the anger inside of me that has been caused by all of the teasing I received in school has all of these years been eating at me.  By bottling up that anger for all of this time and letting that anger remain inside of me I have to this day been giving control over my life to those that hurt me.

God wants to change that.  God doesn’t want anyone to have control over my life except for him.  If I give up that anger then I am no longer bound by that anger but rather I am set free.  Free in Jesus is a wonderful place to be.  My hope and prayer is that every day I become just a little bit freer in Jesus.  By striving to become freer in Jesus I know that my future becomes just a little bit brighter every day!

Be Blessed!

BIG SCOTT