I Will Survive!

It's time to vent in a different way. Sometimes I really hate what I do! If I don’t keep my mind and my actions in check when I get wound up on a manic high I can really do stupid things. When I do these things I get so incredible mad at myself for doing them. Sometimes I blame my actions on my Bipolar, sometimes I just blame myself in general for doing stupid things. Either way, I can really get angry at myself!

That very thing happened this evening. I don’t know why but I’ve been getting pretty wound up late in the evening. When I get wound up like I do I let my mind race and I’ll say or do stupid things. That happened again this evening.

I’ve been sitting here tonight really coming down on myself pretty hard. I know that’s not right and I know that’s not of God. But I continue to do it anyway. I felt God speaking to me a minute ago and telling me to read Romans 7:15-25 again. The Apostle Paul rights this about his struggles in his life. Here what Paul has to say.

15 I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16 I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.

18 I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19 When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20 But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.

21 It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God's law with all my heart. 23 But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

In a little way I feel a little bit better knowing I’m not the only one going through this struggle. If the Apostle Paul who wrote most of the New Testament had these kinds of struggles then I would suppose that I will too. I just hate when it happens. I don’t know how else to put it.

I know I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me. Why else would I feel this way? If I didn’t have the Holy Spirit in me then it wouldn’t matter would it? The Holy Spirit tells me in my heart that I’ve sinned. That much is good. I also know when I do wrong I open the door for the enemy to come in and be my accuser, pointing blame at me and making me feel worse then I already am. Henceforth a downward spiral starts.

But what do I do then? If I stop and repent and tell Jesus that I’m sorry and ask for forgiveness then I stop the downward spiral. If I don’t, well, then I just keep spinning down out of control. When I’m in that spin is when I really have even worse thoughts come into my head. After that, more downward spirals and even more bad thoughts. After that, more downward spirals and even more bad thoughts. You get the picture.

This is a perfect example of how the enemy drags people down. If you stay in this downward spiral you’re going to crash and crash hard. What happens when you crash that hard? Some take drugs or alcohol to mask the symptoms but that just speeds up the spiral and makes for an even harder crash. Some contemplate or even attempt suicide. That’s how bad it can get!

Fortunately for me I’ve got the Holy Spirit and as much as it hurts all I can do is put my hand out while I’m spinning down and cry out to Jesus. Help me Jesus! I’m out of control Jesus! That’s exactly what I had to do tonight. The other thing that I do is not keep my crashings to myself.

First of all I’ve got my blog here. I’ve also got a therapist and a pastor that I share with that helps me be an over comer. I’ve even got a great wife who encourages me to push on. If you don’t keep it to yourself then the enemy can’t sneak back in unseen. There are others out there helping you overcome and helping you beware of the schemes of the enemy.

There, I’m glad I’ve got that out! Now I can start to settle down a little bit. I’m so glad I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me and I’ve got Jesus as my Savior! The Holy Spirit and Jesus have saved me from myself so many times it’s not even funny. It is only because of Jesus that I’ve got a future.

Earlier I kind of gave my age away when I quoted Donna Summer from 1979. I told someone “I will survive!”

Be Blessed!

BIG SCOTT